As per usual I haven't posted on here in a while, which means everything has been going fairly well in my world of MS. Normally I post here when I am tired of explaining what is going on with me and it gives me a way of just telling everyone at once. But things have been good. I got married a few months ago and have been wanting to write about how the whole wedding planning process went while also dealing with a chronic disease. I have the post half organized in my head but haven't been able to actually sit down and write it. Which leads me to what I wanted to talk about today, the complete decline in my ability to pay attention and concentrate on anything.
     I talk often and openly about how multiple sclerosis affects me physically but I don't get into it too much with many people about how things have been going mentally. Within the past few years I have gotten very vocal about the depression and anxiety that I deal with had due to MS, and that is something I am not ashamed off in the least. But some of the newer mental issues I have been having are making me feel, well, like an idiot. So I haven't been talking about it much. I have struggled for a long time with my memory declining but have recently been also dealing with a lot of mental exhaustion and inability to stay concentrated on almost anything.
     Within the past few months I can describe my state of mind as nothing but "exhausted Virgo." I still want everything to be organized, on time, and just how I want it. But I mentally just can not get myself to do it, which is torture by the way. I can stare at a pile of laundry in a messy bedroom and its not even as though I am too physically tired to deal with it, but that mentally I can't handle having to just concentrate on it. I normally am a rock star at making lists of things that I need to get done (though admittedly better at making the lists than actually preforming the duties), but lately I can't even get myself to sit and think of what needs to be done.
     Aside from my inability to keep a clean apartment, it has definitely started to effect me in my professional and personal life as well. My job essentially entails me sitting on the phone and computer for 8 hours, which I know is a very normal job requirement. But lately I feel like I sit down in the morning, the day flies by, and I didn't get one thing done. I have been meeting my requirements but it has become an agonizing process where it takes me a full hour to get one task done. Brief moments of concentration surrounded by large gaps of spacing out and losing my train of thought. I have found that coffee really does nothing now but give my mind more energy to bounce around rather than the energy to focus. It has absolutely been bringing my mood down at work suddenly not being able to preform as well as I was a few months ago.
     In terms of effecting my personal life, I have definitely been having difficulty concentrating on conversations I am having and following back up with people who have left me messages or texted. Often times I will see someone has texted me, begin to text them back, then find myself moments later doing something else on my phone without finishing my sentence or pressing send. I find myself also often drifting off during conversations and when I finally am able to bring myself back down having no idea what anyone is talking about. This seems to happen more so in groups of people rather than talking to someone one on one.
     There have been a few times now as well where I am hanging out with friends and just can't get a grip on what we are doing and it just makes me feel dumb. A few weeks ago I was at a brewery with some friends playing a board game. The rules were explained to me countless times and it wasn't that I didn't understand, I just couldn't even focus on the rules being explained to me. This also made me feel like a complete idiot. You can only ask someone to explain something to you again so many times before you just give up.
     I also haven't been able to focus on doing things for myself that I usually enjoy doing. I have been reading the same book for months now, I just can't get through it. I get distracted every few sentences, then have to reread those same few sentences again because I forgot what they said. Even watching T.V lately has been a chore, its the same issue as reading where my wind just wanders away and once it comes back I am completely lost.
     Now I am not sharing any of this for sympathy, please I do not need anyone feeling bad for me. I more so just wanted to let people know what is going on so they understand. I'm not purposely ignoring your texts or not listening when you talk to me, my brain just has had other plans lately. I have been trying all sorts of things recently to try to get my focus together. The other day I started to try meditation, it uh did not go well. I was doing a guided meditation where I was being instructed to do nothing for a few minutes but concentrate on my breath. Trying to focus on nothing gave me so much anxiety, it was like my mind couldn't even compute how to not be racing and had a meltdown. So if anyone has any suggestions on things I could be trying I would so appreciate it.
     But moral of the story, I'm fine just having a little hiccup lately. I'm not trying to ignore you and as soon as my brain starts cooperating, I will give you all the attention in the world. Pinky promise.

     Living with multiple sclerosis I have had to deal with a lot of anticipation and waiting. Two things I am not particularly good at handling. After every blood test and MRI there is always a few weeks of waiting to hear the results. In these few weeks I usually am very good at convincing myself that the results will be horrible. More often then not the results come back fine and there has been no progression of the disease, but there have definitely been times where they do come back with bad news.
     A few months ago I had a routine MRI to check if my new medication was working. Usually they will just give me a call and say everything looks good and they will see me in six months for my usual checkup appointment. This time however when they called they told me they needed me to come into the office within the week. So naturally my mind went wild. I assumed my medication was not working and I would have to go on a new medication hunt. I have been on five different medications so far and the process of finding out that one isn't working anymore and having to debate side effects to pick a new one is truly a draining process.
     So I arrive at my appointment and they put me through the ringer of my usual multiple sclerosis checkup. Checking my eyes, strength and the other 10 minutes of poking and prodding we usually do. Then my neurologist tells me that my medication is working and there has been no progression of any lesions in my brain. This is all great news but I begin to wonder why they needed me to come in to tell me this. Then he begins to say that they did find something else on the MRI. The next thing I hear is brain tumor and my mind instantly just went blank. I hardly comprehended anything he said after that.  Luckily I had my fiancé with me who was able to explain everything he said after we left.
     They had found a small brain tumor on my pituitary gland and needed me to do another MRI to take another look at it. My neurologist did mention that there was a chance that it was not there and the MRI could have picked up something else but I didn't want to get that hope in my head. Now cue the almost month long journey of me in a constant state of panic waiting to find out if the tumor was actually there. I could not even say the word tumor and just kept referring to the whole thing as "that brain thing." This turned into a fairly dark time for me. I was beyond upset that not only do I have to deal with having multiple sclerosis but now I also have deal with a new unrelated medical issue of a possible brain tumor. It just felt so unfair that I had to now deal with both. I did find a bit of humor in it though that multiple sclerosis has created lesion in my brain which are essentially holes and now instead of a hole there was something extra growing on my brain. 
     Right off the bat I was not able to get the MRI for a few weeks because there were no other appointments available. This of course upset me because it was just giving me more time to sit and stew on the fact that this was happening. So the night before my MRI comes along and I am nervous as all hell but excited to finally get it over with. I was out to dinner with a friend and get a call from the MRI office. The MRI machine broke and they now have to reschedule my appointment in two weeks. This almost threw me over the edge that I now have to wait and worry for another few weeks. But none the less I dragged myself through it and finally got the MRI done.
     I now had my follow up appointment scheduled with my neurologist to finally find out what is happening inside my brain. The day before my appointment I get a call from the office. The doctor is not in town this week, we made a mistake scheduling your appointment and you cant come in for another week. The rescheduled MRI appointment nudged me closer to the edge but this appointment having to be rescheduled as well pushed me over it. The next week was filled with a lot of crying, no sleep and constant panic. I was also upset that during all this time I am trying to plan a wedding and was so pissed that I was being taken away from what should a happy time.
     My neurology appointment finally comes along and I got the unfortunate news that the tumor is indeed there. The good news is that it is more than likely benign and is very small, as I have been saying "it's just a crumb." I am now in the process of having more testing done to figure out what we have to do. I am needing to see an endocrinologist for blood tests to find out if the tumor is excreting hormones and a neuro-ophthalmologist because of the position of the tumor there is a chance it could be effecting my vision. If either of these things are happening then the tumor would need to be removed. I met with a neurosurgeon who explained the brain surgery if that if this was something we needed to do. Which was terrifying to hear. But if neither of these tests come back positive then the tumor will just be something that needs to be monitored.
     I already routinely have MRIs done every 6 months or so which will make it fairly easy to monitor since my brain is already being looked at so regularly. So I am now in the process of scheduling appointments with these new doctors and having more testing done. At this point I am more so annoyed than scared. I already see so many doctors and do not want to add any more. I am thankful I have gotten to a point where I have accepted what is happening and just want to plow through these next appointments. I am also incredibly thankful for my fiancé, family and the few friends I opened up to when I was in the middle of this journey. I don't like talking about my medical problems a lot because it makes me feel like a burden but I am so happy I am surrounded by people who constantly make me feel otherwise. This blog has also been amazingly cathartic and there is a great relief in just putting my journey into the universe. I will keep everyone updated as I continue down this adventure, breathing, communicating and pushing through.