Living with multiple sclerosis I have had to deal with a lot of anticipation and waiting. Two things I am not particularly good at handling. After every blood test and MRI there is always a few weeks of waiting to hear the results. In these few weeks I usually am very good at convincing myself that the results will be horrible. More often then not the results come back fine and there has been no progression of the disease, but there have definitely been times where they do come back with bad news.
     A few months ago I had a routine MRI to check if my new medication was working. Usually they will just give me a call and say everything looks good and they will see me in six months for my usual checkup appointment. This time however when they called they told me they needed me to come into the office within the week. So naturally my mind went wild. I assumed my medication was not working and I would have to go on a new medication hunt. I have been on five different medications so far and the process of finding out that one isn't working anymore and having to debate side effects to pick a new one is truly a draining process.
     So I arrive at my appointment and they put me through the ringer of my usual multiple sclerosis checkup. Checking my eyes, strength and the other 10 minutes of poking and prodding we usually do. Then my neurologist tells me that my medication is working and there has been no progression of any lesions in my brain. This is all great news but I begin to wonder why they needed me to come in to tell me this. Then he begins to say that they did find something else on the MRI. The next thing I hear is brain tumor and my mind instantly just went blank. I hardly comprehended anything he said after that.  Luckily I had my fiancé with me who was able to explain everything he said after we left.
     They had found a small brain tumor on my pituitary gland and needed me to do another MRI to take another look at it. My neurologist did mention that there was a chance that it was not there and the MRI could have picked up something else but I didn't want to get that hope in my head. Now cue the almost month long journey of me in a constant state of panic waiting to find out if the tumor was actually there. I could not even say the word tumor and just kept referring to the whole thing as "that brain thing." This turned into a fairly dark time for me. I was beyond upset that not only do I have to deal with having multiple sclerosis but now I also have deal with a new unrelated medical issue of a possible brain tumor. It just felt so unfair that I had to now deal with both. I did find a bit of humor in it though that multiple sclerosis has created lesion in my brain which are essentially holes and now instead of a hole there was something extra growing on my brain. 
     Right off the bat I was not able to get the MRI for a few weeks because there were no other appointments available. This of course upset me because it was just giving me more time to sit and stew on the fact that this was happening. So the night before my MRI comes along and I am nervous as all hell but excited to finally get it over with. I was out to dinner with a friend and get a call from the MRI office. The MRI machine broke and they now have to reschedule my appointment in two weeks. This almost threw me over the edge that I now have to wait and worry for another few weeks. But none the less I dragged myself through it and finally got the MRI done.
     I now had my follow up appointment scheduled with my neurologist to finally find out what is happening inside my brain. The day before my appointment I get a call from the office. The doctor is not in town this week, we made a mistake scheduling your appointment and you cant come in for another week. The rescheduled MRI appointment nudged me closer to the edge but this appointment having to be rescheduled as well pushed me over it. The next week was filled with a lot of crying, no sleep and constant panic. I was also upset that during all this time I am trying to plan a wedding and was so pissed that I was being taken away from what should a happy time.
     My neurology appointment finally comes along and I got the unfortunate news that the tumor is indeed there. The good news is that it is more than likely benign and is very small, as I have been saying "it's just a crumb." I am now in the process of having more testing done to figure out what we have to do. I am needing to see an endocrinologist for blood tests to find out if the tumor is excreting hormones and a neuro-ophthalmologist because of the position of the tumor there is a chance it could be effecting my vision. If either of these things are happening then the tumor would need to be removed. I met with a neurosurgeon who explained the brain surgery if that if this was something we needed to do. Which was terrifying to hear. But if neither of these tests come back positive then the tumor will just be something that needs to be monitored.
     I already routinely have MRIs done every 6 months or so which will make it fairly easy to monitor since my brain is already being looked at so regularly. So I am now in the process of scheduling appointments with these new doctors and having more testing done. At this point I am more so annoyed than scared. I already see so many doctors and do not want to add any more. I am thankful I have gotten to a point where I have accepted what is happening and just want to plow through these next appointments. I am also incredibly thankful for my fiancé, family and the few friends I opened up to when I was in the middle of this journey. I don't like talking about my medical problems a lot because it makes me feel like a burden but I am so happy I am surrounded by people who constantly make me feel otherwise. This blog has also been amazingly cathartic and there is a great relief in just putting my journey into the universe. I will keep everyone updated as I continue down this adventure, breathing, communicating and pushing through.