As per usual I haven't posted on here in a while, which means everything has been going fairly well in my world of MS. Normally I post here when I am tired of explaining what is going on with me and it gives me a way of just telling everyone at once. But things have been good. I got married a few months ago and have been wanting to write about how the whole wedding planning process went while also dealing with a chronic disease. I have the post half organized in my head but haven't been able to actually sit down and write it. Which leads me to what I wanted to talk about today, the complete decline in my ability to pay attention and concentrate on anything.
     I talk often and openly about how multiple sclerosis affects me physically but I don't get into it too much with many people about how things have been going mentally. Within the past few years I have gotten very vocal about the depression and anxiety that I deal with had due to MS, and that is something I am not ashamed off in the least. But some of the newer mental issues I have been having are making me feel, well, like an idiot. So I haven't been talking about it much. I have struggled for a long time with my memory declining but have recently been also dealing with a lot of mental exhaustion and inability to stay concentrated on almost anything.
     Within the past few months I can describe my state of mind as nothing but "exhausted Virgo." I still want everything to be organized, on time, and just how I want it. But I mentally just can not get myself to do it, which is torture by the way. I can stare at a pile of laundry in a messy bedroom and its not even as though I am too physically tired to deal with it, but that mentally I can't handle having to just concentrate on it. I normally am a rock star at making lists of things that I need to get done (though admittedly better at making the lists than actually preforming the duties), but lately I can't even get myself to sit and think of what needs to be done.
     Aside from my inability to keep a clean apartment, it has definitely started to effect me in my professional and personal life as well. My job essentially entails me sitting on the phone and computer for 8 hours, which I know is a very normal job requirement. But lately I feel like I sit down in the morning, the day flies by, and I didn't get one thing done. I have been meeting my requirements but it has become an agonizing process where it takes me a full hour to get one task done. Brief moments of concentration surrounded by large gaps of spacing out and losing my train of thought. I have found that coffee really does nothing now but give my mind more energy to bounce around rather than the energy to focus. It has absolutely been bringing my mood down at work suddenly not being able to preform as well as I was a few months ago.
     In terms of effecting my personal life, I have definitely been having difficulty concentrating on conversations I am having and following back up with people who have left me messages or texted. Often times I will see someone has texted me, begin to text them back, then find myself moments later doing something else on my phone without finishing my sentence or pressing send. I find myself also often drifting off during conversations and when I finally am able to bring myself back down having no idea what anyone is talking about. This seems to happen more so in groups of people rather than talking to someone one on one.
     There have been a few times now as well where I am hanging out with friends and just can't get a grip on what we are doing and it just makes me feel dumb. A few weeks ago I was at a brewery with some friends playing a board game. The rules were explained to me countless times and it wasn't that I didn't understand, I just couldn't even focus on the rules being explained to me. This also made me feel like a complete idiot. You can only ask someone to explain something to you again so many times before you just give up.
     I also haven't been able to focus on doing things for myself that I usually enjoy doing. I have been reading the same book for months now, I just can't get through it. I get distracted every few sentences, then have to reread those same few sentences again because I forgot what they said. Even watching T.V lately has been a chore, its the same issue as reading where my wind just wanders away and once it comes back I am completely lost.
     Now I am not sharing any of this for sympathy, please I do not need anyone feeling bad for me. I more so just wanted to let people know what is going on so they understand. I'm not purposely ignoring your texts or not listening when you talk to me, my brain just has had other plans lately. I have been trying all sorts of things recently to try to get my focus together. The other day I started to try meditation, it uh did not go well. I was doing a guided meditation where I was being instructed to do nothing for a few minutes but concentrate on my breath. Trying to focus on nothing gave me so much anxiety, it was like my mind couldn't even compute how to not be racing and had a meltdown. So if anyone has any suggestions on things I could be trying I would so appreciate it.
     But moral of the story, I'm fine just having a little hiccup lately. I'm not trying to ignore you and as soon as my brain starts cooperating, I will give you all the attention in the world. Pinky promise.