Oh hi Internet, it's been a while. My life the past few months has sort of been an endless blur of quitting jobs, being fired from jobs, literally being allergic to a job, sulking and finding new jobs.
     I had been working for 5 years at a customer service retail job. It wasn't the worst job, but it was by no means the best. It was stressful at times and underpaid as is any retail job. I had been wanting to leave for a while but was tipped over the edge when new management began to treat me and my chronic disease as a burden. It is extremely painful to feel unwanted for something you have no control over. 
     The other difficult part was medical benefits. I interviewed and was offered jobs at a hand full of places that sounded great, but none of them offered benefits. Not having health insurance just isn't an option for me. It made it uncomfortable having to decline job after job.

     I vividly remember the turning point when I had just started a new medication. My entire body felt like it as on fire and my throat started to itch and feel tight. I called the drug company to ask about side effects and they told me it sounded like an allergic reaction. I remember watching my sweetheart of a supervisor telling management that I needed to leave to seek medical attention, because well I don't know all signs seemed to be pointing to my throat closing, and watching the manager roll his eyes and throw his hands up in the air. I instantly decided this wasn't an environment I needed to be in. P.S clearly this seemingly allergic reaction didn't kill me, it turned out to just be normal side effects. I had a real shitty few weeks adjusting to the new medication but now its actually the most successful MS drug I've been on. I'm sure I'll do a post someday about how amazing it is to take a pill instead of a daily injection.

     The process of looking for a new job at that point was a nightmare. It became a moral dilemma of checking yes, no, or I do not wish to answer when applications asked do you have a disability. Yes I do have a disability, no I don't feel like I do and I also do not wish to answer. I legally can not check no, I don't want to say yes and checking I do not wish to answer seems the same as pressing yes.

     At this point in the blog I wrote out a few paragraphs explaining and bitching about all of the different jobs I've gone through. I decide to delete all of it. It was just a lot of unnecessary negative energy. I realized I don't need to publicly validate myself for all these jobs. But long story short I guess it was just a weird few months.

     I will say though one of the most difficult things for me at all of these new jobs was relearning how to learn. When I first started my customer service retail job, it was at the beginning of MS causing cognitive issues for me. So my learning process wasn't hindered yet. It is extremely difficult for me to catch on to new jobs and systems as quickly as I am expected and hoping to. It's extremely frustrating completely understanding something one day, and then hardly remembering it the next. Even more frustrating then that though is the reactions of my peers at work looking at me wide eyed and confused wondering how I didn't know these things yet.

     It constantly feels like I'm being talked down to because of it. I think talking down at someone is one of the most disrespectful things you can do. I'm sure a lot of times no one means any harm by it, but seriously think about the ways and words you use to speak. I consider almost every thing I say before it leaves my mouth. That may be a reason I'm so quiet, because by the time I've worded something the moment has passed. A lot of people do just have harsh voices they are unaware of, and I guess I am a little sensitive. But it has been become an extremely difficult part of working now. 

     I've finally found a job thats manageable though. It pays me enough to, you know survive and stuff. But the thought of worrying about maintaining a job in the brain of chronic disease is very much still present. I've only been at this job for about a month and still daily I have moments of "why can't my brain figure this out yet." This job also does not have health insurance, another thing that keeps be constantly worried. I am currently on a cobra plan from my original jobs health insurance, but it will end in about four years. Which I mean is great, thats a damn long time to keep insurance after you've left a job. But I know I can't stay at this job for years to come because I will eventually need to leave for a job with insurance. 

     I feel like I could go off on a pamphlet length rant right now on how tiring it is to have to revolve so many things around health insurance. But, I'll save that for another day. 

     I am very grateful for the job I do have though. Despite the weird few months, this is the best I've felt both physically and mentally in a long time.