One thing I have always struggled with is a fear of change and the unknown. I like knowing exactly what is going to happen, how its gong to happen, and I like to have control. This can be things as simple as where I am going to dinner, or something big like moving to a new city. Now I know that makes me seem like a control freak, but this is something I generally don’t allow people to know about me. 

When going to a concert at a venue I have never been to, I have always looked up pictures of it before so I had an idea of where I was going to be. I love wedding rehearsals, because for me it is like a “mental rehearsal” and I can see exactly what everything is going to be like at the wedding. I’ve stayed in relationships when I knew we weren't right for each other just because I was afraid of the change that would come from breaking up (disclaimer: I know my boyfriend reads these posts, not you honey, you’re great.) I like to know what floor my hotel room will be on, how many people are going to be at the party, is it going to be a very loud bar, will I have a window seat on the plane, will there be assigned seating in this class or will I be able to sit by the door, I really could go on forever. This makes me sound crazy right? 

This generally doesn't prevent me from doing things though, I just internally freak out and pretend to go with the flow. Once I am in whatever place or situation I had questions about though, I’m fine. I guess its really the anticipation that makes me anxious. My mom always tells stories of forcing me through the door of my ballet class when I moved to Florida and was afraid of my new studio. Which seems ridiculous because I loved that studio and practiced there for many years. Also when I was afraid to join the high school track team and she just wouldn’t pick me up from school until practice was over, making me go. Which again seems ridiculous now because I ended up having a great time. Thanks mom. Moral of that story though, sometimes I need a push to start new things. 

I started thinking about this a lot this week because I am about to go through a lot of changes. I am moving to a new town, a close town, but to me a new town is a new town, my parents are thinking of selling the house I grew up in, I’m finishing up with school and need to figure out what I'm doing with my life, and I’m looking for another job. These are all things that individually would take me a long time to think about, freak out over, and plan. But they are all happening at once, and soon. I went a few weeks acting like it was all going to be great and none of it made me nervous. I was waiting for the break down. I knew there was no way I could be handling this all so well. As expected it happened a few nights ago, full blown hysterical crying alone in my bedroom. Hyperventilating, I feel like I can’t breath crying. I have never cried so hard before. 

I felt a lot better about it all now after talking it out with my parents. I don’t care how old you are, you always need your parents. These are all normal and positive changes, nothing that I should be upset about. But the worrying part of my brain doesn't know the difference between good stress and bad stress, so we treat it all as bad stress. I decided to dissect it all and look at it one thing at time. I tend to strive when I make lists, so breaking each thing down into its own little list seems to be calming my nerves. This post really makes me sound nuts, though I guess talking about things that make me seem nuts is kind of the point. I’ll be ok, I just need to learn how to be a real adult.