Lately I’ve been working on something that I like to call “my quest for selfishness,” which I swear is not a bitchy as it sounds. Let me see if I can explain it in words other than the nonsensically ones floating in my head. 

Alright, so after writing that first sentence I wrote and rewrote my longwinded explanation three different times, but nothing seemed to sound right. So to make things easier, on myself and your understanding, I’ll put it simply. Most of my life I have always kept my mouth shut and put other peoples feelings first, wether it was for my own benefit of not. I do love making other people happy, but most of the times I never think about myself. This is something I had never really noticed until it was pointed by multiple people and therapists. Once it was pointed out to me, I realized how shitty it made me feel. But of course I kept doing it. Until very recently, I’m not sure what happened but I realized its ok to put yourself first sometimes. It took me until I was 25 to realize this, but better late than never I guess.

So I decided to make some small changes. I’ve been trying to speak up for myself more, really think about what I want in situations and I’ve been less indecisive by making decisions for myself without waiting for cues from other people. I know these seem like basic human things to do, but they aren’t things that I usually do. In the midst of all my “thinking of myself sprees,” I decided to get a tattoo. Which for anyone who knows me, is a very un-Teresa like thing to do. I think that’s why I had never done it, not because I didn’t want to, but because other people would think it was unlike me. 

                It's small and simple, but I love it. Now I guess is the part where I explain.

     Counting to three has been my mantra, so to speak, for a long time. Whenever I have to deal with almost anything MS related, I always count to three. Wether its injecting in a painful spot, moving my leg when it constantly feels like its asleep, or going into an appointment, I always count to three in my head and then just do it. This has helped me a lot through my MS related fatigue. MS fatigue is really hard to explain to anyone who has never been through it. Everyone gets tired, but its a different kind of tired. Sometimes the idea of simply standing up to turn the fan off seems like running a marathon. I got it as a reminder to myself to just count to three and you can get through anything. Also as a bonus I decided I wont explain to my children when I have them, I’m just going to tell them that I am that serious about time outs that I got the 1 2 3 you’re in big trouble countdown tattooed on my wrist. 

     I have a proposition for you. A proposition to discontinue the use of the phrase “how are you” as a common form of greeting. Because thats all it is most of the time, a greeting. It’s used in the same way as simply just saying hello. Generally anyone saying “Hey, how are you” doesn't actually care how you are. I work in customer service and am constantly asking people how they are, as well as being asked how I am myself. The conversation usually goes:

“Hi, how are you?”

“Hey, how are you?”

“So what can I help you with?”

     There is rarely an actual exchange of answers to that question. When there is a response its usually simply “good.” It doesn't matter if you are having a fantastic day or a horrible day, when a stranger at a store asks you how you are, you say good. Now I understand the common decency of asking someone how they are, but there is definitely a down fall to asking the question with out genuine interest. I know this seems like such a minor phrase but bear with me here.

If you aren’t doing well, constantly saying that you are “good” all day can be painful. I had a day recently at work where I was having horrible issues with my right eye, my vision was starting to blur and I was in a lot of pain. I have taught myself to handle medical issues at work and it generally don't let it affect me there. But this day I stepped aside for a minute to try to make an appointment with my eye doctor later that afternoon to see what was going on. I called my specialist first, which was a long shot as its hard to get appointments with him, and as expected he couldn’t take me until the following week. So, I called my regular eye doctor because I figured I should just have someone look at it and they could surely take me quickly. But they too couldn’t take me until the next week. 

I was distressed that no one could help me quickly, which really wasn't a very big deal I was just being sensitive because I was in pain. After those frustrating phone calls I went back to work and was immediately hit with a “Hi, how are you?” I instinctively said “good”, but in the back of my mind I felt horrible. For the rest of the day every time someone asked how I was and I said good it made me feel worse and worse. 

So I decided to try to stop asking people how they were the rest of the day and seriously, it is such an instinct. It took me hours of really concentrating to not greet people with asking how they were. It made me start to think about how many people I had asked that were having a horrible day and had to lie about it. You pretty much have to lie about it. When the cashier at the grocery store asks how you are and you respond with “horrible, I am having an awful day” the cashier will probably say they are sorry and hope it gets better, then tell all her friends about the weird customer at work today that was a total downer. 

Maybe we should start saying things like “hope you're having a good day” or “I hope you’re well” as greetings. Because even if the person you're speaking with doesn't care if you have a good day or not, its still nice to have someone rooting for you, even for a minute.